Stagnant Roller coaster

An oxymoron -- I know; but that's totally how I've felt these past 5 months. When Jason said he was going to complete his degree, I was so happy for him. I know that this is something that has been hanging over his head for years, and I love him. I want him to be happy.

However, to be completely honest, I didn't want to be away from him for 5 months. I knew I had to complete this ridiculous statistics class in order to transfer, so I registered for the class. (At LACC.) We talked a lot about his leaving, and he was fine with a temporary long-distance relationship. But, as usual, I absolutely hated the idea of being away from him.  Everyone (parents, siblings, friends, etc.) said I should stay in LA and make sure to get this class over with. I messed up last year when it came time to applying to schools, and I really didn't want to get in that situation again.

After a lot of thinking and talking to Jason, I decided I really wanted to accompany him to MO. Everything in LA was getting stressful. I was sick of LACC. I figured I would take the statistics class over the summer, have it completed by the time school would start, and all would be well in the world.

So, we packed up and came to MO. I was excited and happy. It was nice to be in a small(ish) midwest town. Columbia has an Ann Arbor feeling to it, and I was ready for a break from LA. But everything started falling apart. I have been so lonely. I tried (initially) to get some freelance work as an English tutor, but no one followed through with their inquiries. I signed up to sing in the community choir, which was nice. I also took an ASL class, which was also really fun. Those were my two nights a week that I got out of the apartment and did something on my own. But then "The Barbara" incident happened.

Even though I've written (but never published) several entries about when this happened, I just don't have the emotional strength to re-live what happened. Basically a woman who I thought was my friend ripped my heart out and stomped on it for no reason. I swear. This is exactly what happened. In retrospect, I know she is mentally unstable -- maybe mentally ill -- and I've managed to mostly move on. But when that happened I was already pretty down. I felt really alone. Jason was really busy with school, and I think it just hit me pretty hard.

I sort of fell into this pit of despair. I haven't been that depressed since high school. I didn't really have anyone (aside from Jason) that I felt I could open up to. I was hurt. I was angry at Jason because I didn't feel like he was giving me the support I needed and deserved. I still am angry. But I'm working on it. I am fiercely protective of the ones I love, but I understand that others do not respond in the way I expect. And the bottom line is that Jason is an incredible man. And I really love him.

I began staying up all night and sleeping very late in the day. It didn't really matter because he was gone most of the day. So this is what I mean by a stagnant roller coaster. I'm not really doing anything with my life right now. I'm not in school, not working, I quit the choir and ASL class. But I am an emotional mess.  I planned a trip home, and it was really nice being home. I spent a lot of time with my parents and friends. I enjoyed my home town. I walked around. Ate my favorite food. I felt a bit rejuvenated. Then, on the bus ride home, I got an email that I was accepted to UC Santa Cruz. I was so happy! I found out I was offered grants that would cover my entire tuition. Soon after I found I was accepted to UC Davis. Again, very happy. And then I found out I was accepted to The University of British Columbia! (An incredible school that I never imagined I would get into.)

Things were looking up! I began researching the schools. I was quite excited about getting a full-ride to Santa Cruz. Their feminist studies program is amazing. Angela Davis is faculty! I told my close friends and family, and I was pretty much set on going. The night I went online to accept their offer of admission, I saw that summer classes would not be valid for transfer credit. I became completely freaked out -- for lack of a better term. I emailed admissions immediately explaining that I only had this one class left, and I thought summer classes would count and blah blah blah. Jason was confident that Santa Cruz would overlook this error, as they are known for being fairly liberal.

Well, we were wrong. My admission is now being re-evaluated. It's not really looking very good. Davis revoked my admission, though they said as long as I complete the stats class I can appeal and get re-admitted. UBC has never required the stats class, so that school is still fine. I feel so stupid. I can't believe I didn't read the fine print. I can't believe something as trivial as a stats class could affect my future so significantly. I didn't want to tell anyone because I knew that they warned be about leaving, and I reassured them that "everything will be fine!" I told my brother Dylan. He was very sympathetic. I finally broke down and told my mom. Fortunately she was understanding. I didn't get any "I told you so"s.

So, as I said, I'm still waiting on SC. I have no idea what will happen. In the meantime I have done a lot of research on UBC, which is an amazing school. I was offered an on campus studio apartment that allows non-student room mates. (Jason is planning on coming along. He also loves Vancouver!) I put the down payment on the apartment because I only had a week to accept it, and they're quite hard to get. I really love Vancouver. It's a wonderful city. And so beautiful. However, I am worried about costs. Luckily, I am a Canadian citizen. (My father's Canadian.) Tuition is not terrible. My folks have some property about 90 minutes outside of Vancouver, which means that we would see them whenever they came to town, as well as having a beautiful house to visit when we needed to get away.

At this point I'm just in a waiting pattern. Jason says I'm in a win-win situation because if SC agrees to let me take the stats class over the summer, I can go to a wonderful school for essentially free. And if they rescind their acceptance, then UBC is great. I just don't know what to do. I have to accept my offer from UBC by June 1st, so time time is important.

To be honest, my experiences with SC have been tainted. I thought that it was a liberal school, and if they're willing to rescind my acceptance over 1 class, do I really want to go there? I have worked SO hard, so many years. I deserve to be somewhere that truly wants me.

Who knows? It's out of my hands at the moment. I have some tough times ahead of me. Living in Canada will be tricky for Jason, as he's not a citizen.  But he's not worried, so I suppose I shouldn't be either.

I don't know who reads this thing anymore. It feels to get this all out, though.

xoxo,
Caitlin

Missouri

I wanted to start writing again as a way to keep my friends and family up to date on my life here in Missouri.

To make a semi-long story short, I moved to Columbia, MO because Jason (my boyfriend) is finishing his last semester of school. In May he will be getting his BJ! (Bachelor's in Journalism...haha)

The weeks leading up to his departure, I was unsure of what to do. I had initially planned to stay in LA, continue taking classes and working, and just see him a couple times in those four months. I wasn't really sure what he wanted me to do, and I hate feeling like one of those girls who can't stand to be away from their boyfriend. In the end, I obviously chose to come along. Why? Well, first of all, I don't want to be away from the man I love for a third of a year! I was also feeling the need to get out of LA. LA is not the easiest place to live, and I was ready for a change of pace. When he expressed a desire for me to come along, that clearly solidified my choice as well.

So, I packed up and we went east. When I moved into my last apartment, I had very little stuff. Because I had initiated my previous breakup, my ex felt he deserved to keep the majority of our belongings. And ultimately, I didn't miss any of it. End the end, it's just stuff. The nice thing of course was when I was packing this time around, I didn't have loads of stuff. Jason also had very little stuff -- he keeps a lot in storage though. Moving on, with the help of my SIL, Bethany, we packed up my apartment and somehow managed to fit Jason and my belongings either in storage, or in my car.

The packing was pretty ridiculous, in retrospect. In my attempt at being very organized and on the ball, I scheduled for my power to be shut off on the day we planned to leave. Well...we were a day behind! So at some point during that extra day I noticed my space heater shut off. And though I hoped it was a blown fuse, sure enough, it was the power. And it being the winter and all, at around 5pm the sun went down and my SIL and I were packing my kitchen like maniacs. Luckily, my old landlord (and super nice dude) lent us a giant lamp and we were able to finish. I should also note that Jason and my friend Natalia -- who is a professional organizer -- were cleaning out his storage unit. So he wasn't just ignoring me. Anyway, it was kind of crazy, but we somehow managed to finish.

The next morning Jason and I had a lovely breakfast with Dylan and Bethany. Then, we hit the road! The drive was actually pretty fun! We went the more northern route so we could drive through CO and see his friends.

We've been here...three weeks maybe? It's been an interesting experience. The people here seem really nice, and everything is a lot more affordable. I am taking a sign language class (for fun), as well as singing in the Columbia Chorale, which is a choir for the community. I've been a bit lonely since Jason is very busy. I've also just come down with a respiratory virus that has been kicking my butt. I'd like to get out more, but it's a little tough not knowing anyone. ANYONE. When I moved to LA I had my family there, so I automatically had a lot of people to spend time with. Here, not so much. I posted an ad offerring private tutoring, but no one has contacted me.

Ultimately, I haven't made up my mind about how I feel here. Sometimes it's nice, sometimes it's not. Regardless, I am here, and I am trying to find my place.

xoxo

Caitlin