An oxymoron -- I know; but that's totally how I've felt these past 5 months. When Jason said he was going to complete his degree, I was so happy for him. I know that this is something that has been hanging over his head for years, and I love him. I want him to be happy.
However, to be completely honest, I didn't want to be away from him for 5 months. I knew I had to complete this ridiculous statistics class in order to transfer, so I registered for the class. (At LACC.) We talked a lot about his leaving, and he was fine with a temporary long-distance relationship. But, as usual, I absolutely hated the idea of being away from him. Everyone (parents, siblings, friends, etc.) said I should stay in LA and make sure to get this class over with. I messed up last year when it came time to applying to schools, and I really didn't want to get in that situation again.
After a lot of thinking and talking to Jason, I decided I really wanted to accompany him to MO. Everything in LA was getting stressful. I was sick of LACC. I figured I would take the statistics class over the summer, have it completed by the time school would start, and all would be well in the world.
So, we packed up and came to MO. I was excited and happy. It was nice to be in a small(ish) midwest town. Columbia has an Ann Arbor feeling to it, and I was ready for a break from LA. But everything started falling apart. I have been so lonely. I tried (initially) to get some freelance work as an English tutor, but no one followed through with their inquiries. I signed up to sing in the community choir, which was nice. I also took an ASL class, which was also really fun. Those were my two nights a week that I got out of the apartment and did something on my own. But then "The Barbara" incident happened.
Even though I've written (but never published) several entries about when this happened, I just don't have the emotional strength to re-live what happened. Basically a woman who I thought was my friend ripped my heart out and stomped on it for no reason. I swear. This is exactly what happened. In retrospect, I know she is mentally unstable -- maybe mentally ill -- and I've managed to mostly move on. But when that happened I was already pretty down. I felt really alone. Jason was really busy with school, and I think it just hit me pretty hard.
I sort of fell into this pit of despair. I haven't been that depressed since high school. I didn't really have anyone (aside from Jason) that I felt I could open up to. I was hurt. I was angry at Jason because I didn't feel like he was giving me the support I needed and deserved. I still am angry. But I'm working on it. I am fiercely protective of the ones I love, but I understand that others do not respond in the way I expect. And the bottom line is that Jason is an incredible man. And I really love him.
I began staying up all night and sleeping very late in the day. It didn't really matter because he was gone most of the day. So this is what I mean by a stagnant roller coaster. I'm not really doing anything with my life right now. I'm not in school, not working, I quit the choir and ASL class. But I am an emotional mess. I planned a trip home, and it was really nice being home. I spent a lot of time with my parents and friends. I enjoyed my home town. I walked around. Ate my favorite food. I felt a bit rejuvenated. Then, on the bus ride home, I got an email that I was accepted to UC Santa Cruz. I was so happy! I found out I was offered grants that would cover my entire tuition. Soon after I found I was accepted to UC Davis. Again, very happy. And then I found out I was accepted to The University of British Columbia! (An incredible school that I never imagined I would get into.)
Things were looking up! I began researching the schools. I was quite excited about getting a full-ride to Santa Cruz. Their feminist studies program is amazing. Angela Davis is faculty! I told my close friends and family, and I was pretty much set on going. The night I went online to accept their offer of admission, I saw that summer classes would not be valid for transfer credit. I became completely freaked out -- for lack of a better term. I emailed admissions immediately explaining that I only had this one class left, and I thought summer classes would count and blah blah blah. Jason was confident that Santa Cruz would overlook this error, as they are known for being fairly liberal.
Well, we were wrong. My admission is now being re-evaluated. It's not really looking very good. Davis revoked my admission, though they said as long as I complete the stats class I can appeal and get re-admitted. UBC has never required the stats class, so that school is still fine. I feel so stupid. I can't believe I didn't read the fine print. I can't believe something as trivial as a stats class could affect my future so significantly. I didn't want to tell anyone because I knew that they warned be about leaving, and I reassured them that "everything will be fine!" I told my brother Dylan. He was very sympathetic. I finally broke down and told my mom. Fortunately she was understanding. I didn't get any "I told you so"s.
So, as I said, I'm still waiting on SC. I have no idea what will happen. In the meantime I have done a lot of research on UBC, which is an amazing school. I was offered an on campus studio apartment that allows non-student room mates. (Jason is planning on coming along. He also loves Vancouver!) I put the down payment on the apartment because I only had a week to accept it, and they're quite hard to get. I really love Vancouver. It's a wonderful city. And so beautiful. However, I am worried about costs. Luckily, I am a Canadian citizen. (My father's Canadian.) Tuition is not terrible. My folks have some property about 90 minutes outside of Vancouver, which means that we would see them whenever they came to town, as well as having a beautiful house to visit when we needed to get away.
At this point I'm just in a waiting pattern. Jason says I'm in a win-win situation because if SC agrees to let me take the stats class over the summer, I can go to a wonderful school for essentially free. And if they rescind their acceptance, then UBC is great. I just don't know what to do. I have to accept my offer from UBC by June 1st, so time time is important.
To be honest, my experiences with SC have been tainted. I thought that it was a liberal school, and if they're willing to rescind my acceptance over 1 class, do I really want to go there? I have worked SO hard, so many years. I deserve to be somewhere that truly wants me.
Who knows? It's out of my hands at the moment. I have some tough times ahead of me. Living in Canada will be tricky for Jason, as he's not a citizen. But he's not worried, so I suppose I shouldn't be either.
I don't know who reads this thing anymore. It feels to get this all out, though.
xoxo,
Caitlin
